Why Apples to Apples is a bullshit game

Wow, I get it!  Everyone loves Apples to Apples!

Only... I don't get it.  I don't get it at all.

Apples to Apples is not a fun game, yet all of my friends call me a killjoy for saying so, only to throw up their arms in bored frustration three hours later.

God forbid anyone says that I'm right for once...

For those of you unfamiliar with the game (i.e. those of you who graduated from high school before Y2K), Apples to Apples is a card game played with thousands of cards.

Literally.  Thousands.

These cards are divided into two colors, red and green (like apples, get it?!).  These two colors serve different functions:

Each green card contains one adjective.  These adjectives are often very vague and could apply to anything.

Each red card contains one noun or proper noun.  These are often disturbingly specific and could only apply to one thing.

One person draws a green card, shows it to the group, and the rest of the players must put down a red card they believe corresponds best with the given green card.  The green card-layer doesn't see who put down which red card and then decides (and this next part is very crucial) BASED ON THEIR OWN OPINION which red card works best.

Four scenarios can occur here:

1) The green card describes the red card perfectly, like two halves of a whole.

2) The green card is the complete opposite of the red card, and the juxtaposition is too hilarious to go unappreciated.

3) Something in the middle of those two.

4) Someone plays the Helen Keller card.

The game is supposed to pit friends against friends to see who really knows each other's sense of humor/association the best.  It's like some kind of misguided Rorschach test, only instead of ink blots, it uses words.  And instead of lasting five minutes, it lasts an entire evening.  And instead of trained psychiatric professionals, it's your drunk friend attempting to convince everyone that The 1970's is "totally Cultivated as shit, man!"

The real problem with Apples to Apples is the amount of time that it takes to make a decision.  Before placing down a red card, each of the five (or some other strangely specific number) people playing has to deliberate on each of their cards, intent on catering just the right noun to their roommate's friend's cousin from across the state (or some other strangely specific person)'s green card.

The fact of the matter is that you can never fully reach into your aquaintance's psyche, and unless you and your friend share a blatantly obvious inside joke about Aggressive Cow-Pies, your chances of winning the round are about even with the rest of the group.

On top of that, the green card-layer then weeds through the random red cards in a painfully slow manner, explaining why they are not choosing each specific card.

Alright, just pick one...

Yep, keep the game moving, chief...

Are you fucking kidding me?

What bothers me about the scenario is not the time wasted (although I could be doing more productive things with all of this guessing time, like performing my own lobotomy), but that every single person playing the game remains under the impression that there is any strategy involved.

For the record: there's not.  There's about as much strategy going on in a game of Apples to Apples as there is in a game of Rochambeau.  Either way, by the end of the game, I feel like I've lost all feeling in my balls.

(This may have something to do with posture.)

To win the game, you must have seven of your red cards chosen.  With each red card chosen, you get the corresponding green card.  Collect seven green cards, and that should be the end of the game.  But it never is.

Invariably, some asshole in the group (one of the people who lost) will chime in, saying "I mean, if no one can think of anything else to do, we can just keep playing to ten."  Somehow, everyone's conscience is wiped clean of any possible alternatives, anything that could possibly be more fun than combining Lovely with The Far Left (like folding laundry).

Then, after someone reaches the ten card goal, the same douchebag always suggests (because he is still losing), "Hey, let's just play without keeping score."

The game can go one for hours after this because no one wants to break the cycle by announcing their fatigue.  Who would want to?  It's Apples to Apples, after all, and everyone loves Apples To Apples.

But not this guy.  I prefer Risk.  It's a much better way to kill six hours.

A brand new episode of Glee!

Due to the high production costs of last season, Fox has cut Glee's budget in half, prompting some noticable changes in the next season.  Here's a sneak-peek at a script of an upcoming episode:

Occupations in the media

Click to enlarge... that's what she said.

Shark Week (Day 6)

To conclude:

SHARK FACT: There are over 400 different kinds of sharks known.  While a lot of similar traits unite them as a species (dermal denticle, cartilaginous skeleton, a weakness for devil's food cake), there are many significant differences.

Appearance:
Most sharks can be differentiated by simply looking at them.  Whale sharks, for instance, are known for their immense size, sometimes exceeding 35 ft.  In fact, the whale shark got its name from its resemblance-in-size of an elephant, the whale of dry land.

Goblin sharks are also easily recognizable, because they are ugly as shit.  Looking like the bastard child of a narwhal, the Cloverfield monster, and something I puked up after that tenth shot of El Toro, the goblin shark was likely teased during its youth.  This likely scarred the goblin shark, and in later years, couldn't keep a steady job and turned to heroin for comfort.

There's not much to say about hammerhead sharks...

Speed:
In case sheer appearance is too easy of a shark identifier for you, speed is another alternative.  The shortfin mako shark is considered the fastest shark, can swim at over 30 mph.  While that might seem like a feet in and of itself, the mako shark can also smoke twice the amount of marijuana of Michael Phelps.


Diet:
The way a shark eats can also tell a lot about the shark itself.  As stated a couple of days ago, tiger sharks will eat almost anything.  The only problem with this all-you-can-eat style is that the tiger shark doesn't tip very well.

Angel sharks are much sneakier about their feasting.  Rather than chase prey all over the ocean like a deadly game of tag, angel sharks lay flat on the ocean floor, camouflaging themselves, and wait for their food to swim nearby.  In this way, I can empathize with the angel shark, because that is exactly what I do with my food, as well.

Shark Week (Day 5)

SHARK FACT: Scientists haven't found an ideal shark repellent yet.  This isn't to say that sharks will stop at nothing to attack boats, humans, and livestock, but some ways discourage sharks only as much as the color yellow entices them.

According to Wikipedia, sharks tend to avoid places that contain a chemical secreted by a dying shark.  However, according to personal research, I believe that this repels sharks based on the fact that they can be completely over-dramatic about dying.

An article about Aztec methods of shark repulsion on HowStuffWorks.com (and my professors say I never do any viable research... pfft...) stated that sharks can withstand an insane amount of noxious chemicals.  But the Aztecs claimed to have found a way to deter sharks from capsizing their boats: by dangling chili peppers into the water.

This makes sense, considering the well-known fact that sharks hate spicy food.

For the record, they aren't crazy about Italian food, either.

It turns out that this method of hanging peppers off of boats is not very effective, proving once again that the Aztecs never knew what the hell they were doing.

And we wonder why there are no Aztecs around anymore...

Shark Week (Day 4)

Shark Week continues, and so does my coverage of bizarre-but-true shark facts.

SHARK FACT: Tiger shark livers are saturated in oil.  This allows for more buoyancy, so sharks can balance in the water better.  This explains the sudden spike in pelicans and dolphins in the Gulf who can not only balance better, but cannot physically submerge themselves in water whatsoever.  This is totally acceptable though, because most dolphins are hydrophobic anyways.

Sharks are also excellent trash collectors, as they eat almost anything, from license plates to car tires.  Garbage collection companies all over the country are currently researching into the possibility of replacing all sanitation workers with sharks, to reduce the amount of landfill space.  Unfortunately, the road tests were less-than-helpful.

Shark Week (Day 3)

And on the third day, The Lord made turtles and sharks.  And it was a fight to the death...

SHARK FACT: Sharks haven't sold out like turtles did.  It's a known fact that sharks are far superior to the snails of the reptile family, but this didn't have a physical manifestation until Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles turned up in comic books in the mid-1980s.  Since then, the image of these turtles has been produced in every possible licencing agreement, from TV shows to movies to action figures to video games to backpacks (of which I may or may not own one).

Sharks have kept pretty low-key, except for a brief while to kick ass in Street Sharks, which was an acceptable venture.  (It's one thing to let your enemy get all the spotlight, but it's another to fade entirely into obscurity.)

Also, Street Sharks was so much more "jaw-some" than TMNT was "far-out."

Everything else, from Jaws to the squeeky shark toy from Toy Story, is simply an unauthorized representation of a shark.  Really, they just want to be known for what they do best: comedy.

To summarize, shame on you turtles.

And shame on you, kid.