Achening for an Awakening

It's time to wake up and smell the coffee, people. Although this time, instead of Folgers, it's Faux-lgers. Nothing is as it seems, and no one is trustworthy these days. Everyone is lying to you: politicians, Brian Williams, the so-called “media” (if that's even their real name). And I hate to break it to you, lonely and vigilant friends, but your dating sites are lying to you too.

Tinder: We use anonymity and location-based matching. But we're totally not for hookups.

Not only are there no hot singles in your area, but if there were, it's unlikely that any of them would agree that the New World Order is upon us. Thankfully, for those of us who have woken up and are DTF (Down To Findoutthetruth), a new dating site has popped up, fittingly titled Awake.

It may surprise some people out there that I am a thought criminal, so let me get you up to speed. First of all, I hatehatehate the term “conspiracy theorist.” A “theory” implies that what I say might not be true. “Gravity” is a theory. The government's involvement in the Oklahoma City bombing is carefully researched and cherry-picked fact, okay?

Pictured: The goddamn truth

Secondly, my unplugging from the Lie Machine occurred immediately after I watched an early version of Loose Change 9/11: An American Coup in high school. If there's ever an age to research the intricacies of global economies and architecture, as well as question the very fabric of government and democracy, it's when you're 15 years old. Sure, I wasn't even allowed to vote in our country's sham of an electoral process for another three years, but of course I had the wherewithal to recognize controlled explosions in footage so grainy and shaky, it makes the Zapruder film look like a Steadycam shot in a David Fincher flick.

As such, I am single and ready to tell everyone that GMOs give you shingles. Or so the saying goes.

Don't believe me? See for yourself. I never rely on what anyone tells me. That's why I only put my faith in people with a remedial understanding of iMovie and who share my skewed ideas about how global warming is simply a giant scam to get us to buy more ceiling fans. I can't trust any documentary that looks like the budget was over $20. It's the same reason why my browser has bookmarked tabs of countless “anti-mainstream” news sources that appear as though they were all designed by the guy responsible for the Space Jam website. High production value means money and money means Rockefeller, and we all know what Rockefeller means: chemtrails.

That's why this dating site is such a big deal. There's finally a place for us skeptics to talk amongst likeminded individuals without fear of sleeping with the enemy, so to speak. Sure, reptile people have secretly permeated the highest levels of our government, but who could possibly infiltrate a website of free thinkers that only requires an email address to join? I finally have a safe space.

"You're telling me you're not a school teacher from Vermont?!"

If it's not blatantly obvious by now, I should tell you that I'm already a huge hit with the ladies. They're after me about as much as Barack Hussein Obama is after our guns. Any evidence to the contrary is simply Big Brother attempting to sell you the bullshit that I am not a grade-A pussy magnet.

Fact: I have so much to offer a woman. Sure, my Alex Jones shrine might unease those of a lesser awareness, and I don't have many material things due to an unwillingness to participate in our consumerist culture. But what I lack in stuff, I make up for in conviction, condescension, and a warm personality. Jet fuel may not melt steel beams, but I can surely melt your heart.

On the flip side, here are some things I'm looking for in a potential mate:

1. Good sense of humor
2. Someone who enjoys running
3. Preferably an Aquarius because Jesus Christ is a made-up sun idol based on Egyptian mythology, but zodiac signs are totally legit

You see, the problem isn't that people find my brazen attitude and outlandish claims off-putting. Instead, it's that I'm too aware and these ignorant sheeple can't see the obvious realities of the world. You'd be amazed at how often, when confronted with a single, refuted eyewitness account about how Sandy Hook was a hoax, girls will immediately ask for the check (on a first date, no less!). Sorry for dropping a truthbomb, honey, but I'll be damned if I'm paying for your shrimp poppers.

"Look, all I'm saying is that you've never actually seen a Holocaust, so how can you be so sure?"

Ultimately, I want a lifelong partner. I want that forever kind of something. I want a family, and as such, I'm only interested in a woman who also agrees that feminism is an instrument devised by the Illuminati to raise taxes and depopulate the entire planet, which is somehow flat and hollow at the same time.

Now, I know what you're thinking. “Chris, do you use a tinfoil hat as a condom?” Ha ha ha. I get it. It's hard to be so enlightened. I'm sorry if the truth is just too inconvenient for conversation, but there's no need to be a dick about it. Similar to where you find your so-called “facts,” I used to look for love in all the wrong places. Now I've discovered Awake, and I have to tell you, I can't wait to be an Insomniac (or what I assume we call each other on such a site).

Dating these days is becoming so niche anyways, so it's refreshing to know that the Jews behind Hollywood aren't the only ones who get their own dating site (along with farmers, Christians, and a word I can't say due to the inevitability of a race war).

Charles Manson: The face of a man you'd expect to understand racially disparity.

With so few people in today's society as awake as me, you could almost assume that my blatantly intolerant beliefs are wrong. Almost.

Look, there are a lot of scary things in this day and age: people dying, empires falling, the Antichrist promising to make America great again. But instead of accepting the fact that the universe requires an inevitable change in order to survive, doesn't it make more sense—or rather, isn't it more comforting—to hold, like, ten people accountable for all of the world's problems? It just doesn't compute that everything can be so bad “just because.” That's why the government employs crisis actors. That's why vaccines cause autism. Despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary, Beyonce is using her Illuminati-based music to bring demons into our households. And all of this, ironically, helps me sleep at night.

Put on your bedtime hats, kids.

I have two words for you: Water. Gate. We can all agree that at least one conspiracy theory was true, about as much as we can agree that Watergate is actually one word. Shit like that has happened; it was documented. Following this line of logic, the government is obviously using dress colors on the internet to distract us from Stanley Kubrick's fabricated moon landing. Just because these often-conflicting ideas permeate everything I believe, is that enough of a reason for me to sleep alone?

People like myself finally have a fighting chance to just let go and be ourselves, to trust in something real for once. After all, love is clearly not a social construct perpetuated by corporations to sell diamonds and wedding halls. No, love, an undefinable and intangible emotion based on chemical reactions in the brain, is pure. That's why multi-billion dollar industries use catchy sounds and flashy images to tell us that the only thing we need to be happy is L-O-V-E. As someone who would never in a million years trust another human being with any information that I have not thoroughly researched myself, I can certainly take the concept of love at face value and assume a few things:

1. That no one would/could be profiting off my feelings
2. The idea of soulmates is rock solid, because of course there is only one person in a sea of 7.4 billion people for me. Clearly, waiting for “another half” to make my life whole is not the same condescending deception that makes, say, organized religion so comfortable
3. I could use a good roll in the hay

Serious inquiries only.