Grand Rapids resident Chris Slattery turned himself in to the
Grand Rapids Police Department earlier this week. Sources claim that
Slattery admitted to assault on multiple females. According to a
press release, Slattery had told a friend that “Valentine's Day
[was] coming up” and that he was “totally beating girls off with
a stick.”
Thus far, no victims have come forward and Slattery refuses to
give away any names, only citing that “most of them live, like, in
Canada.”
The stick in question Slattery used as a weapon is still missing.
After interrogation, Slattery's roommates could not offer any
evidence of wrong-doing, claiming that he “spends most of his time
making shapes macaroni and cheese and watching Netflix.” One
roommate, who asked for anonymity, said, “If he's gotten physical
with anyone—anyone at all—he sure hasn't done it at home.”
In fact, Slattery's roommates provide several alibis for his
alleged streak. On a specific night Slattery described as “just a
blur of banging and stuff,” sources claimed to have heard early
Death Cab for Cutie music coming from his bedroom, followed by the
crack of a beer can and some light sobbing.
Slattery denies all this, calling it “bogus.” He holds fast
to his abusive nature. “I'm hitting on girls like all the time,”
he said. “I'm laying [out] chicks pretty much once or twice a
week.”
With little evidence to properly convict him, it is likely
Slattery will be released soon. All the police have to go on is a
discoloration Slattery's neck, which looks like a curling iron burn
despite his claim that some girl gave it to him.
He requested to remain detained until next Friday, “but not as
an excuse or anything.”
It's still not entirely known what caused the violent acts, but
Slattery attributes them to an anniversary of sorts. “It has
nothing to do with Valentine's Day, all right?” said Slattery.
“It's just that the middle of February kind of sucks when you're
alone. It's no one's fault, really. But when you develop a pattern,
year after year, of solitude and self-pity, it can drive you a little
crazy.”
Slattery's next target was described as a “knockout” from
work. When asked why he turned himself in before pursuing, he mumbled
something about it not being that right time and that she was too
nice for a guy like him.
“Strategy is everything,” Slattery said. “All I ever needed
was the quick one-two punch of my looks and personality.” It is
unclear whether “looks” and “personality” are the names of
his fists or a lie that he tells himself to boost his confidence.
Regardless, Slattery may end up with additional murder charges,
describing himself as a “ladykiller.”
“Look, even though you can't see it right now, I've had blood
on my hands, if you know what I mean!” said Slattery.
While this case may not make it to trial, one thing is for sure:
Chris Slattery is a disgusting human being.
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