Thank you! Thank you. Oh, thank you so much!
Thank you.
Ugh, it is so great to be hosting Saturday Night Live!
Listen, there is a monologue that the writers worked on for me,
making some jokes about my early less-than-popular roles in
bargain-bin films, leading up to a small dance number in the style of
my most recent movie, “Underprivileged Youth Can Achieve Anything
With Music.”
Thank you, thank you.
However, instead I'm going to go off-card because I want to talk
about how surreal it is to be hosting SNL. I mean, this is why
I got into acting!
I hear some chuckles, but I don't think you fully understood what
I just told you. I seriously got into show business so that I could
spend an hour and a half performing live sketches in the middle of
the night. This has been my dream since I was eight years old and I
caught a rerun of “The Best of Will Ferrell” on E!. Watching the
likes of Alec Baldwin and Christopher Walken change costumes and play
different characters and celebrities looked like a dream to me, and
it was a dream I knew I could achieve with hard work, dedication, and
a string of Golden Globe nominations.
I can see the people behind the cameras right now looking around
and Keenan Thompson off to the side in a tutu, waiting for his cue to
come out. It's not coming, Nickelodeon. We're too far off-script now.
You can go get changed for What Up With That.
Anyways, hosting comes with a lot of great little bits: filming
promos, which you've been watching all week; spending time at the
Weekend Update desk as some strange character; introducing the
musical guest. I mean, I get to introduce fucking U2! Can you believe
that?!
Needless to say, I am supremely excited for tonight. It's nice to
know it all finally paid off—the improv classes, the six years at
Julliard, the endless networking to mercilessly claw my way from the
bottom. I eventually worked with Martin Scorsese, Stephen Spielberg,
and Clint Eastwood. I have two Oscars under my belt, the youngest
person to do that. I have performed in over 60 films, from cameos to
leads. I even guest starred on “The Mindy Project” to help out a
friend. And now I'm here.
Look, they don't give hosting duties to just anyone! You have to
be famous, and not just a little famous—you have to be one of the
most recognized faces in the world! Take Edward Norton for example:
damn fine actor. Loved “American History X.” Eh, I could take or
leave “Fight Club.” Regardless, he had quite a track record, and
yet had never hosted Saturday Night Live. But as soon as he teamed up
with Wes Anderson for a couple of flicks, BOOM! Instant host.
Lorne Michaels is coming down the aisle way now, so I had better
wrap this up so we can get the show on the road, as I'm sure they
might say here. All I have to say is that the next hour and 20
minutes are going to be a literal dream come true. Seriously, I've
had reoccurring fantasies about this night for close to 19 years now.
So stick around, we've got a great show for you. U2 is here!
We'll be right back!
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