So, it's been a crazy week for me: I finally started Breaking Bad (not impressed so far), I stubbed my toe on a table, and—oh yeah—I allegedly pointed a shotgun at my girlfriend during an argument on Monday. You know, typical George Zimmerman stuff.
While I'm denying publicly that I ever aimed a possibly-loaded firearm at Samantha Scheibe during our little spat in which I supposedly broke her glass table and locked her out of our house, I think we can discuss privately the fact that I pretty obviously treated her like a Duck Hunting game.
However, in my defense, who hasn't done that? Is there anyone out there who would never dream of threatening their spouse or partner with a powerful weapon? If so, I want to see those hands raised. That way I can point a shotgun at the people who disagree with me, which—I can't say this enough times—is a totally sensible response.
I'm not comfortable disclosing the nature of our argument (Sam's a private person and I'm not a monster who would divulge her secrets like that), but needless to say we both got upset and I reportedly broke her glass table with the shotgun before taking aim at her. Like any reasonable person would do.
I've always hated that stupid table. Always in the way. Didn't even even compliment the sofa or anything. It was just dumped there with no forethought about where I'd be walking. So if anyone was upset about my action of smashing the table, I can't really apologize; it had it coming.
Look, we all have conflicts in our relationships. We try and be with people who challenge us and want us to be a better person. But sometimes these challenges get heated and we begin pointing guns at each other, like the civilized and levelheaded human beings we are.
I mean, if anyone knows of another way to resolve conflict, I'm all ears.
Now that I'm not allowed to own or handle any kind of firearm or ammunition, I feel a bit lost. Of course I've always felt safer knowing that I could pull out a gun at any moment and draw a bead on my fellow man. There's something called gun control in this country and I love that concept—using a gun to control a person. You don't say “no” to the barrel of a shotgun and you don't say “no” to me, George Zimmerman.
To be fair, I likely started the argument as I'm wont to do. Sam was unarmed, so the next logical step was for me to take a deadly weapon and aim it at her face.
Maybe this is the time where I should make it clear that I had no intentions of firing at my girlfriend. I was simply standing my ground and it turns out that Florida is totally cool with that. Huh, come to think of it, what was holding me back?
George Zimmerman is a-- y'know what? There's really nothing to say. Jesus…
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