White lies (vision dreams of passion)

I am a compulsive liar. It's true, and some people may call me a bad person for that. But it's only with small lies, white lies, lies that don't end up hurting anyone except myself.

Most of my lying occurs on AIM (Automatic Insincerity Module), and my most common lie occurs after I leave the computer to go to the bathroom. Upon returning, I will see that my girlfriend has asked me a question, and my response is 10 minutes of silence. Instinctually, I type:

I lie, which I feel is more thoughtful than saying, "I know you were investing time in inquiring something of me, but I thought I would rather evacuate my bowels."

Disastrously for me, my girlfriend is inquisitive, so she inevitably asks:

Of course, it's not like she's trying to catch me in a lie. Rather, she's simply a genuinely nice person who is curious about what her boyfriend is eating. Unfortunately, I'm no Grandmaster Flash of lying; I'm like the Kevin Federline of fibs, and I am suddenly trying to think of one food, ANY food, to build another lie on top of the first one. Sadly, out of the entire spectrum of food in existence, nothing comes to mind.

(Oh sure, I can list dozens of foreign dishes, pastas, breakfast cereals, and fruity snacks now, when I'm not under pressure...)

Finally:

Some people might throw in the towel here, but I am never afraid to go a step further, less because I have something to prove, more because I see it as the only alternative to admitting that I was just on the potty. My mind simultaneously goes through two trains of thought:

1) "Geez, woman, leave it alone! It's a sandwich..."

2) "Why the fuck can't I think of a single kind of sandwich?"

(Again, reuben, club, ham and cheese, tuna, egg salad, grilled cheese, and BLT are all viable options to produce when it's the middle of the day and nothing else is on your mind. Although, now I am hungry...)

Finally:

As much as I hate lying to my girlfriend about toilet time, all of her optimism makes my lie that much worse. Of course, I'll never actually admit to lying, for fear of being called 'disappointing' or hearing the passive-aggressive "It's no big deal." No, I'd rather keep my restroom secret to myself and spare the stomach-churning embarrassment.

Speaking of stomach-churning, I believe it's time for me to get some food.