Going on 6 years now...

Staying with my mom for the summer has meant that I spend most of my days snooping around the house to see how clever and creative I used to be when I was younger. Recently, I found an ancient artifact: my very first column I ever wrote, back when I was 15. And here it is, unedited, complete with every last footnote. It's dated November 5, 2004 and is titled "Queer Eye, elections, and menorah fields." I apologize in advance for all the scrolling you're about to do:

As many of you may know, I am a guy¹. And sometimes a guy has needs². And sometimes those needs need to be met. So I grab some Tostitos, an Aquafina and watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy³. In case you’re unfamiliar with this show, it’s about five gay guys⁴ helping a straight dude out in meeting women⁵, getting a house festive enough for a party, and so on.

But in between shows like that, there are commercials⁶. These commercials claim that you have every illness that they are selling the antibiotic for, such as a runny nose. Of course, us average people think, “Oh, well, there’s nothing wrong with that.” But those commercials prove how stupidly unaware we are about our body⁷. Because those boogers can eventually become hard and crusty and will tear away all of your nostril hairs and eventually eat away all of your nose⁸. So they’ve come up with a brand new way of getting rid of those boogers: your finger, which can be yours for only three small payments of $19.95⁹. Note: I made this commercial up; TV commercial people cannot sell your finger¹⁰.

Up until about last week (or some other time of the year), they have been showing commercials about the President¹¹, and his running opponent¹². Now, don’t get me wrong, this has been a hunky-dorry last four years¹³, but let’s face it, Bush hasn’t been the greatest president¹⁴ this side of Funky Chicken Town¹⁵. Now before some of you quit reading this, keep in mind that this dude choked on a pretzel. I know that that shouldn’t change my mind about an issue such as who is running this country, but this guy was worried about weapons of mass destruction when what really should concern him is the next Rold Gold he devours.

But, to tell you the truth, I am happy for Laura Bush. Her birthday was on November 4, and what a present she got: “Honey, I’m back. Traffic was terrible, but guess what? Ohio says that I’m President!” Yes, those two lovers just might make it¹⁶.

Anywho, Thanksgiving is coming up sooner or (yeah, well, sooner) and that means that you can pull out last year’s leftover- uh, I mean, a brand-spankin’ new turkey and secretly put in another wishbone for the kids. As you are probably noticing that there are not a lot of places selling things for Thanksgiving¹⁷, and that’s okay¹⁸, for the turkeys at least, who are most likely cowering behind their turkey couches hoping that an Elmer Fudd-like guy will decide to go to their turkey neighbors’ house and get them¹⁹. It is very amazing that Thanksgiving is a national holiday²⁰, and Christmas²¹, isn’t and yet you don’t see any “Kill Your Own Turkey” fields around here²². But that’s probably not the best place to take your kids. But, they may already be messed-up, causing them to need help from five queer guys²³ in their future²⁴.

¹ And for those of you who say, “Really?” I hope that you’re using sarcasm and if not, then no soup for you!

² Food, water, television, urinals

³ And I tinkle standing up during one or two of the commercials. (It really just depends on how much water I drink and how long I think I can hold it.)

⁴ Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

⁵ Because apparently women are more apt to fall for a guy who comes off as about a straight as a circle.

⁶ And I’m sure a lot of you are saying, “Duh!”

⁷ Proving that we really are not going to be using what we learned in anatomy class. (Or are we?)

⁸ Insert Michael Jackson joke here.

⁹ This amount of money seems to be the base of advertisement costs. Everything these days seems to cost this much.

¹⁰ Unless you loose it and do not claim it within 30 days.

¹¹ For security reasons, he can only be named Dubya.

¹² For security reasons, he can only be named Senator John Kerry.

¹³ Does the word “Gigli” ring any bells?

¹⁴ Can you say, “Controversy?”

¹⁵ Which reminds me; I would like to see Mr. President do the Funky Chicken, or even the Cotton-Eye Joe accompaniment dance.

¹⁶ Or will they?

¹⁷ The only people making money for this national holiday are the cranberry makers, the gravy distributors, and I can’t think of anyone else except for the turkey manufacturers, but that tradition is as about as out of date as the electoral college.

¹⁸ They’re already setting up for Christmas, 2005

¹⁹ They still haven’t returned that cassarole dish and measuring cup.

²⁰ Meaning that everyone celebrates it.

²¹ …Or Hannukah, or Kwanza…

²² Then again, you don’t see any menorah fields or whatever-Kwanza-celebrators-marvel-at fields

²³ Not that there’s anything wrong with that

²⁴ This took a lot more foot-notes than I had previously anticipated.