Ever since I discontinued Original Content Thursdays (some of my favorites can be found here, here, here, and here), people have been asking me what I've been up to or what I've been working on now that I have more time on my hands.
(Actually, no one has really asked anything like this, but if you could humor me for a second (like 1/6 of a funny Vine), I'd appreciate it.)
Some people may know I've been doing stand-up sporadically, which has been great fun. I've also been writing songs and trying—really, desperately trying—to get a grip on writing short stories again.
But the truth is that all of these dwarf in comparison to my recent accomplishment. After many, many years of work, my memoir is going to be published this coming summer. Titled “Chris Slattery Is An Asshole,” this work of total nonfiction charts all of the mistakes I've made over the years and compresses them into easy-to-digest 120-page chapters of self-indulgent, rambling vignettes. It'll be like an episode of “Girls,” only I have less sex and people won't hate my characters for misguided and hypocritical reasons.
While I haven't actually written the book or found a publisher yet, I have experienced so much in my 24 years of life. As a result, literary people will totally give, like, hundreds of fucks about what I have to say because I'm just so interesting and full of conflict (“Should I microwave my chicken pot pie or use the conventional oven because I get off on culinary blue balls?”). I have a blog, for crying out loud!
I know what you're thinking: “Chris, you still have a lot of steps to go before you start telling people anything remotely like what you're announcing. This seems irresponsible and misleading at best. At worst, you'll... I dunno, murder Neil DeGrasse Tyson or something. I guess. I didn't really put much thought into a worst-case scenario with this. In fact, why the hell are you still quoting me? You're reaching Family Guy-esque levels of beating a joke into the ground here. Like, seriously, dude. Cut it out. F'real. I'm not even existent; I'm just a hypothetical devil's advocate and you're putting a lot of words in my mouth. Screw this, I have to catch up on Game of Thrones, you lying, deceptive fuck.”
To that, I say, “Nay!”
Who cares if I don't have a publisher or an editor or an agent or a single paragraph completed? I've got heart! I've got a laptop! I've got a liquor store down the road that sells Writers' Juice (whiskey)!
Still don't believe me? Here's just a taste of all the different stories I plan to include:
- That time I called my 3rd grade teacher “Gorilla
Face” but I really meant my 4th grade teacher.
- That time I wrote a eulogy for my cat before she died and
then she lived for another five years, like “wtf, dude, you wanted
me to die or some shit?”
- That time I accidentally spit in the face of everyone in
Arcade Fire.
- That time I masturbated at least 11 times in one day but my
webcam was on the whole time.
- That time I had a guest spot on “Scandal” and showed up
in flip-flops because I thought it was a show about sandals.
- That time I accidentally beat the shit out of Ray Bradbury.
- That time I referred to the X-Men as DC but then I
immediately caught myself and said, “Wait, they're Marvel. Why did
I say DC?”
- That time I drank eight bottles of prescription-grade
mouthwash just to feel something.
- That time I spent six years as a Westburo Baptist Church
member.
- That time I accidentally cheated on my girlfriend with her
identical twin's boyfriend.
- That time I cried for three weeks straight because I found
out his name wasn't actually Dr. Seuss.
I'm not proud of these stories, but they're human. They hold a mirror up to the foibles and ugliness of humanity, and that can be a hard pill to swallow. These kind of imperfections are what make us alive, and that's exactly the message I want to get across with my book. That, and the fact that I have screwed a lot of people over.
Certainly more details—such as a concrete release date and who would publish such a book—will be available after today. But for now, phew, I am just so exhausted from punching out this 800-word promulgation. I hope you're all as excited as I am for this 100% real thing to come out. Just be patient and know I'm not a failure.
Love,
Chris “Asshole” Slattery
