An Open Letter to Dr. Manny about zombie culture

Dear Dr. Manny Alvarez,

I stumbled upon your column this week, titled "America's obsession with 'TheWalking Dead' is hurting our society." After reading it several times to fully understand the point you attempt to make, I will say that every person is entitled to their opinion, and it is now clear that you believe Americans spend too much time immersed in zombie-related media, rather than expanding our minds with, as you put it, “music, education, science or the classics.” Your 435-word piece asks us to hold back on the undead mania, and I'm inclined to listen to you. After all, you're a fucking doctor.

As such, I would expect there to be any kind of study or scientific fact linked in this column—really, any citation at all. But you went a different route and I really have to applaud your lack of sources. It's bold (I'd almost say reckless) to imply that our civilization is crumbling due to our infatuation with these ghouls without a single shred of evidence, only to cap it off with “Give me a break. As a doctor and scientist, I know one thing for sure: when you're dead you're dead.” That's quite the spoonful to feed the American public; after a dozen years at universities, you can say with absolute certainty one single thing, a thing I have speculated for years: the deceased are deceased and they will stay deceased. Thank you for confirming.

I can finally put Nana to rest after holding onto her corpse for three years.

Thank you also for a quick jab at the current administration that has no basis on the rest of the editorial. I have been telling people for years that our government wants us focusing on zombies so they can continue their campaign towards a more “socialized system of government,” but I never had scientific proof until now. People thought I was NUTS! Obama & Co. clearly don't want us “harnessing the tools we need to enhance our lives,” like your previously mentioned music and education, which is why our president hid behind a proposed Turnaround Arts policy last year. I find it cowardly, really, that this administration would use our children's futures to disguise the deplorable fact that they actually want us watching The Walking Dead.

You'd think they'd get better writers for their master plan...

You do have to excuse me while I correct you on one thing, however. You are human (as are, I'm sure, the FoxNews.com fact-checkers), and are allowed make a mistake or two, especially when you are attempting to engage the American public to better themselves. In your column (I keep saying “column” because news articles typically contain sources, whereas opinion pieces don't necessarily need any), you claim that “scientists at the National Institutes of Health have spent time creating an apocalyptic how-to guide on how to deal with a zombie outbreak.” I would like to point out that it was, in fact, the Center for Disease Control that published this zombie guide. I would also like to point out—and this is minor—that the guide was actually a thinly-veiled real-life disaster preparedness manual, letting the public know how to get themselves ready in the event that something plausible happens, like a hurricane or terrorist attack, but in a fun and engaging way. I would like to think that these scientist peers of yours are familiar with your “dead is dead” knowledge, but who can say for sure?

All right, got that out of the way. Sorry about that. I know you're a busy guy and can't be certain that EVERYTHING you publish is accurate. You obviously have other things on your mind, such as doctoring and defining what “entertainment” is. You claim that it is meant to “soothe our brains so that we can ease our minds of some of the stress from our daily lives,” which is why you say that... wait, don't you also say in the same paragraph that we should not focus on “imaginary zombie hordes” and concentrate on important... Eh, another slip. We cool, though.

Finally, I want to say that I am 110% in agreement with your stance on zombie video games. I mean, obviously a person can't feel 110% about anything because that is mathematically impossible, but a scientist such as yourself must already know that. It was a joke, haha! We're joking together! What fun!

Okay, time to get serious, because this is a serious zombie discussion. You're a doctor, after all.

Enough of this Patch Adams buffoonery!

You say that “studies have shown that [violent] videogames [sic] can sometimes condition people, especially young children, to be apathetic towards violence. That’s why they’re labeled M for Mature.” This was a very clever way of insinuating that all M-rated video games have the potential to create an aggressive youth culture, again without any statistics or specifics to back up your claim. A ballsy move if I've ever seen one. I assume you're referring to zombie-violent games like Resident Evil, Left 4 Dead, and Plants Vs. Zombies, which are clearly teaching gamers how to kill each other (and their gardens), despite a dip in the rate of violent crimesamong juveniles. We still need to keep an eye on these gamers, though, as they can pose a major threat to the 10% of boys and 60% of girls who don't play video games.

So, there you have it, Dr. Alvarez. I don't hate you and I won't call you “paranoid or misinformed” because you obviously have your shit together on this topic. As a former zombie freak myself, it's taken a lot for me to “wake up and smell the coffee,”—which is a terrible cliché, but again, you're a doctor, not a writer—and I can't thank you enough for opening my eyes.

I'm not proud, but I did do my own make-up.

I've gone my entire life thinking that zombies were simply a fictitious archetype, like vampires or wizards (which are just as popular with today's youth but are noticeably absent from your editorial), an analogy used in popular culture to symbolize how civilizations can devour themselves and that we are all, in a way, feeding on each other. I have been under the impression that zombies were as much of entertainment as anything else, but cooler. They allowed us an enemy that was like a person, but not necessarily human. Zombies are not gay or straight, have no ethnicity, and do not prefer one political party over another; they are merely shambling corpses of the once-living with only one basic instinct left intact: feast. Even those of us less-educated than yourself know that the undead are not real, which is why people like to participate in events like zombie 5Ks. Am I to understand that you're against people people achieving (macabre) wish-fulfillment while exercising?

Regardless, people who like zombies, or dress up as zombies, are clearly stupid. In fact, I propose we go a step further and get rid of everything fictional! No more Batman! No more Monsters University! Halloween is cancelled, kids! Go home and study the classics instead.

It's probably time we tell you how Santa Claus died, too...

So, thank you, Manny. Thank you for letting me know with your 435-word editorial that I'm not alone out here. These people can't see the truth and because of it, they have been reduced to shuffling, brainless shells of themselves. And you and I are the only ones with a shotgun of truth to put them down.

Aim for the head, Dr. Alvarez. Aim for the head.

Much love,
Chris Slattery

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