Shark Week 2011 (Day 6)

On the seventh day, God rested.  And so did I last year, so this is the final entry in Shark Week 2011.  Try not to cry yourself to sleep.

Speaking of crying:

SHARK FACT: Sharks do, in fact, sleep.  It seems weird, I know, because sharks would like you to think they are awake 24/7 eating shit and being awesome.  But even the fiercest creatures on the planet have to take a lil' snooze from time to time.  This isn't to say that they are entirely unconscious, though.  It's believed that sharks sleep one cerebral hemisphere at a time, so they can still think about... whatever sharks think about.

Spiny dogfish actually coordinate their swimming with their spinal cord, meaning that it can still swim while sleeping.  And contrary to popular belief, some sharks do not even need to continue swimming when they sleep.  So far, though, there has not been a recorded sighting of any shark sleep-talking.

And, for the record, a shark's favorite bedtime story is Hansel & Gretel.  It just is.

Shark Week 2011 (Day 5)

SHARK FACT: Bull sharks can swim in fresh water.  I have no jokes for this, because this is fucking terrifying.

We are all fucked.

Shark Week 2011 (Day 4)

SHARK FACT: Female sharks can get pregnant without a male shark.  It seems that the feminists sharks have finally gotten what they wanted, because they don't need men for anything anymore: food, financial stability, and now reproduction.

The implications of this rare phenomenon, also called parthenogenesis, are huge:

1. Accidental shark rape convictions happen every day.

This week: a story ripped straight from the headlines.  Only on "Law & Order: Shark Rape Unit."

2. There are some depressed, demasculated shark bros swimming around the ocean, feeling worthless.

3. Two words: Shark Jesus.

Photo taken just moments before his miracle of walking on water.  Tragic.

I mean, let's think about that last one for a second.  If virgin shark births are possible, could we have some great white Christs under the surface of the Pacific?  Let's hope so, because that whole water-to-wine miracle would make Deadliest Catch at least three times as entertaining.

Shark Week 2011 (Day 3)

SHARK FACT: Great whites roll their eyes into the back of their head when they attack.  Something about tearing a seal apart makes great whites feel soooo cliché.

Really, this tactic protects a shark's eyes while the last drops of life are chewed out of its prey.  It also protects the shark's social status, because it's, like, totally uncool to feed on meat.

It seems odd that great whites don't protect their dead, lifeless eyes by closing their eyelids.  Eyes seem like they would be pretty crucial for any underwater mass-murderer, but I can also see it from the shark's perspective (looking at the back of my skull); I much prefer thrashing my food around with my eyes open, as well.

Shark Week 2011 (Day 2)

SHARK FACT: Spiny dogfish have two spines.  Of course, it makes sense for a "spiny" anything to have one spine, but two?  That's whack!  ...in the back.

What might be the purpose of these two spines?  Science has it's own opinions, but I suspect it has something to do with carrying two backpacks to school.  One thing I do know is that underwater chiropractors love spiny dogfish.

Supposedly, these backs are used defensively, and not just in the "show a little backbone" sense.  The spines end in the dorsal fins, which, when arched, secrete a poison.

If Poisoned Spine isn't a metal band name yet, I call dibs.

These poisonous spines must be super-effective, because they allow for spiny dogsharks to live over 100 years.  No, that's not in dogshark years--that's in normal time.  This means that we have spiny dogsharks all over the coasts who are living history!  They can tell us what kind of garbage they ate during The Great Depression or if fish had a Civil Rights Movement themselves.

It really makes you think about life: its longevity and its preciousness...

Also, spiny dogfish don't have anal fins, and that fact always makes me laugh.