A brand new episode of Glee!

Due to the high production costs of last season, Fox has cut Glee's budget in half, prompting some noticable changes in the next season.  Here's a sneak-peek at a script of an upcoming episode:

Occupations in the media

Click to enlarge... that's what she said.

Shark Week (Day 6)

To conclude:

SHARK FACT: There are over 400 different kinds of sharks known.  While a lot of similar traits unite them as a species (dermal denticle, cartilaginous skeleton, a weakness for devil's food cake), there are many significant differences.

Appearance:
Most sharks can be differentiated by simply looking at them.  Whale sharks, for instance, are known for their immense size, sometimes exceeding 35 ft.  In fact, the whale shark got its name from its resemblance-in-size of an elephant, the whale of dry land.

Goblin sharks are also easily recognizable, because they are ugly as shit.  Looking like the bastard child of a narwhal, the Cloverfield monster, and something I puked up after that tenth shot of El Toro, the goblin shark was likely teased during its youth.  This likely scarred the goblin shark, and in later years, couldn't keep a steady job and turned to heroin for comfort.

There's not much to say about hammerhead sharks...

Speed:
In case sheer appearance is too easy of a shark identifier for you, speed is another alternative.  The shortfin mako shark is considered the fastest shark, can swim at over 30 mph.  While that might seem like a feet in and of itself, the mako shark can also smoke twice the amount of marijuana of Michael Phelps.


Diet:
The way a shark eats can also tell a lot about the shark itself.  As stated a couple of days ago, tiger sharks will eat almost anything.  The only problem with this all-you-can-eat style is that the tiger shark doesn't tip very well.

Angel sharks are much sneakier about their feasting.  Rather than chase prey all over the ocean like a deadly game of tag, angel sharks lay flat on the ocean floor, camouflaging themselves, and wait for their food to swim nearby.  In this way, I can empathize with the angel shark, because that is exactly what I do with my food, as well.

Shark Week (Day 5)

SHARK FACT: Scientists haven't found an ideal shark repellent yet.  This isn't to say that sharks will stop at nothing to attack boats, humans, and livestock, but some ways discourage sharks only as much as the color yellow entices them.

According to Wikipedia, sharks tend to avoid places that contain a chemical secreted by a dying shark.  However, according to personal research, I believe that this repels sharks based on the fact that they can be completely over-dramatic about dying.

An article about Aztec methods of shark repulsion on HowStuffWorks.com (and my professors say I never do any viable research... pfft...) stated that sharks can withstand an insane amount of noxious chemicals.  But the Aztecs claimed to have found a way to deter sharks from capsizing their boats: by dangling chili peppers into the water.

This makes sense, considering the well-known fact that sharks hate spicy food.

For the record, they aren't crazy about Italian food, either.

It turns out that this method of hanging peppers off of boats is not very effective, proving once again that the Aztecs never knew what the hell they were doing.

And we wonder why there are no Aztecs around anymore...

Shark Week (Day 4)

Shark Week continues, and so does my coverage of bizarre-but-true shark facts.

SHARK FACT: Tiger shark livers are saturated in oil.  This allows for more buoyancy, so sharks can balance in the water better.  This explains the sudden spike in pelicans and dolphins in the Gulf who can not only balance better, but cannot physically submerge themselves in water whatsoever.  This is totally acceptable though, because most dolphins are hydrophobic anyways.

Sharks are also excellent trash collectors, as they eat almost anything, from license plates to car tires.  Garbage collection companies all over the country are currently researching into the possibility of replacing all sanitation workers with sharks, to reduce the amount of landfill space.  Unfortunately, the road tests were less-than-helpful.

Shark Week (Day 3)

And on the third day, The Lord made turtles and sharks.  And it was a fight to the death...

SHARK FACT: Sharks haven't sold out like turtles did.  It's a known fact that sharks are far superior to the snails of the reptile family, but this didn't have a physical manifestation until Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles turned up in comic books in the mid-1980s.  Since then, the image of these turtles has been produced in every possible licencing agreement, from TV shows to movies to action figures to video games to backpacks (of which I may or may not own one).

Sharks have kept pretty low-key, except for a brief while to kick ass in Street Sharks, which was an acceptable venture.  (It's one thing to let your enemy get all the spotlight, but it's another to fade entirely into obscurity.)

Also, Street Sharks was so much more "jaw-some" than TMNT was "far-out."

Everything else, from Jaws to the squeeky shark toy from Toy Story, is simply an unauthorized representation of a shark.  Really, they just want to be known for what they do best: comedy.

To summarize, shame on you turtles.

And shame on you, kid.

Shark Week (Day 2)

On the second day of Shark Week, I decided I'd share something I learned yesterday, during some repeat shows.

SHARK FACT: Sharks like the color yellow.  Of course, no shark has yet to admit this fact in an interview, but numerous tests (including one on MythBusters) show that sharks are most attracted to the color yellow.  This means that canaries, lemons, and the asian Power Ranger are advised against swimming in the ocean.

Bert never went skinny-dipping again...

Other, lesser-known, things that attract sharks include perfume, fish body-suits, a sense of humor, and people who can just be themselves (they're tastier that way).

Again, please post any shark questions or facts (I use the word 'facts' very loosely) in the comments below.

Shark Week (Day 1)

This week is Shark Week, and to celebrate, I am planning on dropping some shark knowledge on everyone, one day at a time.  If you have any shark questions or shark facts you wish to share, please do so in the comment section below.

SHARK FACT: Sharks mate.  While sharks aren't considered the cutest in the animal kingdom, somehow they still want to bone each other.  Unfortunately, it appears that male sharks want it more than female sharks.  Post-coitus, most girl-sharks are seen with bite marks.  There are sereval hypotheses as to why this happens.  Most scientific experts believe this is so the male doesn't "fall off" during sex.  Personally, I think it's so the sharks feel more like humans.  According to Wikipedia, the bites may symbolize a male shark's affection for a female, much like a young boy kicking sand on a girl.  Or, there is the alternative:

Shark high school can be brutal...

It also makes adult shark entertainment a little awkward...

For those of you who can't load the video, it's basically two sharks having rough sex in an '80s shark porno.

For more shark trivia, please come back tomorrow.