Why I Hate "Ocean's Twelve"

Ocean's Twelve proved that making a sequel to a large ensemble feature film is difficult.  But they really, really fucked up.

Welcome to Hell.

In 2001, Ocean's Eleven premiered to critical and commercial success.  With an all-star cast and a quirky heist storyline, there wasn't much that could go wrong.

They made a sequel.

So many things went wrong.

What Went Wrong
So many things.

Okay, maybe that's not as specific as it could be, so let me break down some of the most glaring issues I have with the movie.

The Whole Film Is A Hoax
At the end of the movie, we learn that Danny Ocean and his crew have been playing the Night Fox the whole time -- they stole the Coronation Egg at the beginning, without anyone else knowing, leaving a replica for the Night Fox to steal.  Do you know what this means?

It means that, for the majority of the film, we are watching a dozen people pretending to steal something that they've already stolen.  This process apparently requires pretending to get arrested, incarcerated, and sodomized wile locked up abroad (that's what happens, right?). Really, the movie could have taken 15 minutes and the outcome would have been the same:

NIGHT FOX: To prove who is the best thief, we shall go after the same object, the Coronation Egg.
DANNY OCEAN: Too late, already did it.
ROLL CREDITS

Obviously, we were all deceived in Ocean's Eleven with the ol' camera-in-a-different-vault routine, but to base an entire plot around tricking the audience isn't the best way to win over the people.

Aliens aren't allergic to water; they're just allergic to bullshit ideas, like aliens being allergic to water.

Do you know what this means?  It means that the filmmakers equate the audience to the Night Fox (AKA Baron Francois Toulour).  We have roughly the same amount of information that he does.

...except whatever the hell this is.

And Toulour gets a bunch of screen time, so really the movie could have been called Toulour's One, only with a slightly different marketing strategy.

Starring Vincent Cassel, with a supporting cast of nobodies like George Clooney, Matt Damon, and Brad Pitt.

The Julia Roberts Effect

Have you ever wondered if the fictional characters in movies are aware of the celebrities in reality?  Ocean's Twelve did, and then answered the question with something we're calling The Julia Roberts Effect.

See, in the movie, real-life Julia Roberts plays Tess, Danny's wife/token chick of the group.  Halfway through the film (which is already 45 minutes longer than it needs to be), fake-life Tess pretends to be real-life Julia Roberts, albeit in the fictional world of the movie.  This opens up an insane amount of questions regarding the fiction vs. reality plane, such as:

• If there is a Julia Roberts in the fictional world, why is there no George Clooney or Brad Pitt?
• If there are, why has no one mentioned this doppelganger-ism before?  Couldn't they have used this to their advantage?  Practically every single member of the Ocean crew looks like someone really famous.

"Benedict?  It's Brad Pitt, the movie star.  Just wondering if I could gain access to your vault."

• If fictional celebrities/business moguls (like Terry Benedict and William Banks) exist along with real-life celebrities, wouldn't it technically be an alternate reality where the world could be drastically different?  World War II could have been avoided, Martin Luthor King wouldn't have been assassinated, and stupid movies like Ocean's Twelve would never have been made.

The roots of the pop culture infused within the movie are deep: Danny and Rusty get drunk and watch Italian-dubbed episodes of Happy Days.  Rusty counsels Topher Grace through a career crisis.  Linus recites lyrics from Led Zeppelin's song "Kashmir" in an attempt to be cryptic.

Bruce Willis even stars as him-fucking-self.  What else has Bruce Willis starred in?  12 Monkeys, along with Brad Pitt.  Does 12 Monkeys not exist now that Brad Pitt is out of the picture?

Who are these people and why are they in a Coen Bros. movie?

The line between what's real and what's not in Ocean's Twelve-land has completely disappeared, and in it's own topsy-turvy way, the movie wants to confuse the hell out of you.

This Scene

This. Fucking. Scene.

It's hard to say "WTF?" and "Seriously?" at the same time.

This Proves Nothing

The whole point of the "game" between Ocean and the Night Fox is to show who is a better thief.  Stealing the Coronation Egg would be a good way to judge that, if the fight was fair for both sides.

As stated before, Ocean & Co. steal the Egg even before Toulour suggests it as a target, giving them a 1200% advantage.  While the Ocean crew boosts the item at the most convenient moment, Toulour actually does a shitload of work on his end, including scaling a building without any rope and maneuvering through a field of 50-or-so randomly-moving lasers (despite how farfetched the whole process is).

It's like taking candy from a baby, except the klepto-baby hasn't even been given the opportunity to steal anything from the candy store yet.

In fact, that analogy would have made a better movie than Ocean's Twelve.