Only... I don't get it. I don't get it at all.
Apples to Apples is not a fun game, yet all of my friends call me a killjoy for saying so, only to throw up their arms in bored frustration three hours later.
God forbid anyone says that I'm right for once...
For those of you unfamiliar with the game (i.e. those of you who graduated from high school before Y2K), Apples to Apples is a card game played with thousands of cards.
Literally. Thousands.
These cards are divided into two colors, red and green (like apples, get it?!). These two colors serve different functions:
One person draws a green card, shows it to the group, and the rest of the players must put down a red card they believe corresponds best with the given green card. The green card-layer doesn't see who put down which red card and then decides (and this next part is very crucial) BASED ON THEIR OWN OPINION which red card works best.
Four scenarios can occur here:
1) The green card describes the red card perfectly, like two halves of a whole.
2) The green card is the complete opposite of the red card, and the juxtaposition is too hilarious to go unappreciated.
3) Something in the middle of those two.
4) Someone plays the Helen Keller card.
The game is supposed to pit friends against friends to see who really knows each other's sense of humor/association the best. It's like some kind of misguided Rorschach test, only instead of ink blots, it uses words. And instead of lasting five minutes, it lasts an entire evening. And instead of trained psychiatric professionals, it's your drunk friend attempting to convince everyone that The 1970's is "totally Cultivated as shit, man!"
The real problem with Apples to Apples is the amount of time that it takes to make a decision. Before placing down a red card, each of the five (or some other strangely specific number) people playing has to deliberate on each of their cards, intent on catering just the right noun to their roommate's friend's cousin from across the state (or some other strangely specific person)'s green card.
The fact of the matter is that you can never fully reach into your aquaintance's psyche, and unless you and your friend share a blatantly obvious inside joke about Aggressive Cow-Pies, your chances of winning the round are about even with the rest of the group.
On top of that, the green card-layer then weeds through the random red cards in a painfully slow manner, explaining why they are not choosing each specific card.
Alright, just pick one...
Yep, keep the game moving, chief...
Are you fucking kidding me?
What bothers me about the scenario is not the time wasted (although I could be doing more productive things with all of this guessing time, like performing my own lobotomy), but that every single person playing the game remains under the impression that there is any strategy involved.
For the record: there's not. There's about as much strategy going on in a game of Apples to Apples as there is in a game of Rochambeau. Either way, by the end of the game, I feel like I've lost all feeling in my balls.
(This may have something to do with posture.)
To win the game, you must have seven of your red cards chosen. With each red card chosen, you get the corresponding green card. Collect seven green cards, and that should be the end of the game. But it never is.
Invariably, some asshole in the group (one of the people who lost) will chime in, saying "I mean, if no one can think of anything else to do, we can just keep playing to ten." Somehow, everyone's conscience is wiped clean of any possible alternatives, anything that could possibly be more fun than combining Lovely with The Far Left (like folding laundry).
Then, after someone reaches the ten card goal, the same douchebag always suggests (because he is still losing), "Hey, let's just play without keeping score."
The game can go one for hours after this because no one wants to break the cycle by announcing their fatigue. Who would want to? It's Apples to Apples, after all, and everyone loves Apples To Apples.
But not this guy. I prefer Risk. It's a much better way to kill six hours.
